Back to: People Jokes : Lawyer Jokes
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God does not think he is a lawyer!
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.
Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 30?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 80?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she’s a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water!
Q: How was wire invented?
A: Two lawyers pulling on a penny.
Q: Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
A: So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.
Q: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
A: To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Q: What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute quits after you're dead!
Q: What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A: A rooster clucks defiance.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
A: Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being!
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities!
Joke Generators:
Click Here for a random Pick Up Line
Click Here for a random Yo Mama Joke
Click Here for a random Dirty Joke
Click Here for a random Ethnic Joke
Click Here for a random Blonde Joke
Click Here for a random Knock Knock Joke
Click Here for a Random Joke (all other categories)
|
|
Click Here to Bookmark Jokes4us.com 
