Duck Jokes

Q: At what time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Q: What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?
A: A duck-filled-fatty-pus

Q: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?
A: He was a quackhead.

Q: What do you call a duck that steals?
A: A robber ducky.

Q: What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
A: "Let's quack this case!"

Q: What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
A: "I hope I didn't quack any!"

Q: What did the duck say when the waitress came?
A: Put it on my bill!

Q: What did the blonde replace her rooster with a duck?
Q: What do you get when a duck bends over?
A: It's Buttquack

Q: Why are ducks bad drivers?
A: Their windshields are qwacked.

Q: How do ducks talk?
A: They don't You Quack.

Q: What is a duck's favorite game?
A: Beakaboo.

Q: Why did the duck sleep under the car?
A: Because he wanted to wake up oily.

Q: Did you hear about the duck who thought he was a squirrel?
A: It was one tough nut to quack.

Q: Did you hear about the bird that couldn't pass environmental legislation?
A: He was a lame duck.

Q: What do ducks get after they eat?
A: A bill!

Q: What happens when a duck flies upside down?
A: It quacks up

Q: What do you call a duck on drugs?
A: a quackhead

Q: Where did the duck go when he was sick?
A: To the ducktor!

Q: How do you make a duck sing soul music?
A: Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers

Q: Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
A: Because they would quack up!

Q: What did the drug diller say to the duck?
A: Are you on quack?

Q: Why was the teacher annoyed with the duck?
A: Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!

Q: What does a duck get after he eats?
A: A bill

Q: What do ducks have with soup?
A: Quackers!

Q: What do ducks watch on TV?
A: Duck-umentaries!

Q: What do you call a duck with fangs?
A: Count Duckula!

Q: What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A: A box of quackers!

Q: What happens when Donald Duck flies upside down?
A: He quacks up!

Q: What is a chick's favorite drink?
A: Peepsi!

Q: Did you hear about the prostitute that thought she was a duck?
A: She charged 7 dollars a quack.

Q: What did the duck eat for snack?
A: Salted Quackers!

Q: What did a duck say to the comedian?
A: You quack me up!

Q: What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
A: Duck Tape.

Q: What can swans do, that ducks can't do but lawyers should do?
A: Shove their bills up their arses

Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.

Q: Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
A: Because he quacked the case!

Q: Why did the duck go to the bank?
A: Because he wanted to get a new bill.

Q: What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A: A Christmas Quacker.

What language do geese speak?

I wanted a duck for Christmas but I got a rope "give me a beak".

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.
When it came time to pay,
the skunk didn't have a scent,
the deer didn't have a buck,
so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

A duck walks in to a bar and says "Give me 200 beers". The bar tender says "How are you going to pay for that?" So the duck says "Just put in on my bill!"
Two Scottish Ducks were waddling down the road.
One said "Quack"
The other said "I am going as Quack as I can"

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Barman says "Worry we don't serve pigs in here,"
The lady says "Its not a pig its a duck"
The barman says "I am talking to the duck."

Religious Cowboy
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the duck. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet duck walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my duck."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the duck falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a duck."

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him.
"Are you a duck?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The duck replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a duck in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that duck?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the duck again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that duck to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

Two Ducks
Two ducks are in a pond.
One went "Quack quack!"
And the other duck said "Thats funny I was just about to say that!"

Vladimir The Duck
The Tail of Vladimir the Duck part 1: A duck with quackitude

Vladimir was a strange little duck; some would even say that he was quackers. Whenever he had to pay for things he would simply say ?put it on my bill? or failing that he would sign a check with his quill feather. Vladimir lived a stressful life with a full time job as a bath-duck for a certain Josh Duckett; until one day Vladimir quacked under the pressure and ducked his responsibilities. Vladimir stole a huge wad of bills from the bank because; he was in fact, a robber duck. Vladimir flew away from the bank with grace; it was poultry in motion and flew to Bath which he heard was a bubbling city.

Vladimir stayed in Bath for a while thinking he was safe, but at the quack of dawn his door flapped open ?Ducking hell, it?s Duck Van Dyke!? gobbled Vladimir as he quapped his pants. Vladimir had no plan to escape so he just had to wing it and Peking his time carefully to duck Duck Van Dyke?s duck-laser, he dived out of the window.

As Vladimir flew away he thought that life as a robber duck was not all it was quacked up to be and if he turned himself in he might get released early from duck prison with extra credit for good con-duck.

The Tail of Vladimir the Duck part 2: the quackuel

Vladimir was sentenced to serve 5 years in duck prison which he thought was frankly reduckulous. His cell-mate in the duck prison was Georgina Duckins who was a quack whore and smelt quite fowl. One day, Vladimir was in the showers and suddenly Georgina Duckins came up behind him and gave him a good anal ducking as she ducked him in the butt quack. Soon Vladimir came to realise that life in duck prison was even more quap than life as a robber duck as all the other duck prisoners made fun of his premature equackulation problem. And so he began to quackulate his escape plan. Unfortunately, Georgina Duckins found out about Vladimir?s plan to duck out of prison and forced Vladimir to take her with him under the threat of exposing his plans which Vladimir had to a-grebe on.

On the night before the escape, Vladimir was reading his favourite book; Harry Qacker and the ducklet of fire which was set in Duckwarts School of witchquack and wizardry. His favourite character of course was Ducko Malfoy. Suddenly there was a rumble, Vladimir checked the clock and it was the quack of dawn. ?Georgina!? he whispered and he had to wader minute before Georgina Duckins bobbed her head over the bunk. ?Shut the duck up! I?m trying to sleep!? Georgina replied but the cell rumbled again and flashing blue lights appeared. Before Vladimir knew it, he had been abduckted by aliens.

When Vladimir became fully conscious again he was in the TARDUCK faced with the Duckter and Amy Pond who had enlisted his help to solve the quack in space and time.

The Tail of Vladimir the Duck part 3: the duck knight rises

The ducktor needed Vladimir?s help to stop a plan most fowl conceived by the Yolker and his accomplice Harley Quill. This evil scheme would induce a quack in space and time creating a dimensional portal that would release the Quacken! The ducktor was unable to stop the yolker alone and so took Vladimir under his wing and gave him an induction in the art of wing-chun and sword fighting. Soon Vladimir could handle a sword with ducksterity and was a Duck Norris level badass. Vladimir was ready and had earned his license to quill. The Duck knight had risen!

Vladimir returned to the city of Bath were he would find the Yolker and stop his plans. But Vladimir had no clear plan, he was winging it and the Yolker found him first and dealt Vladimir a heavy blow before Vladimir could duck. Vladimir was injured; his sword wielding wing had been clipped. Fortunately he was ambiduckstrous and could use his other. The Yolkers accomplice Harley Quill was a falcon and was ordered by the yolker to attack Valdimir but she refused. Harley Quill was indeed a falcon but wouldn?t harm another bird for she was a bishop because she was in fact, a bird of pray. Utilising this opening Vladimir cut off the yolkers head, and as he stared at the yolkers dequapitated body, he said ?You seem to have lost your head. Maybe you should have?......

Got Any Tape
A duck waddles into a card shop, he waddles his way to the front desk asking the clerk, Do you got any tape?
The clerk replies, No. So the duck waddles away. The very next day at the same time the same duck waddles into the Card Shop he waddles right up to that same clerk asking him, Do you have any tape?
The clerk looking irritated replying in a stern voice,No! We are a card shop we sell cards not tape! And if you ask me again I will nail your bill to the counter!
So the duck just waddles away. At the same time the next day the Duck is waddling into that same card shop He waddles right up to that same clerk asking him, do you have any nails? The clerk says,no. Then the duck replied good!! So do you have any tape?

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