Oakland Raiders Jokes
Q: Why can't Derek Carr use the phone anymore?
A: Because he can't find the receiver.
Q: Did you hear about the joke that Derek Carr told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.
Q: What do the Los Angeles Police Department and the Oakland Raiders have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.
Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?
A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
Q: What is the new Raiders official cologne creating a lot of buzz?
A: You wear it and the other guy scores.
Q: What do you call an Oakland Raider with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.
Q: How many Raiders fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they are happy living in the Broncos shadow!
Q: How do you know the California State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Oakland.
A: For the first offense, they give you two Raiders tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q: What's the difference between the Oakland Raiders and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What did the Raiders fan say after his team won the Super Bowl?
A: "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"
Q. How are the Raiders like my neighbors?
A. They can't pick up a single yard!
Q: Want to hear a Raiders joke?
A: Latavius Murray!
Q: Why is Latavius Murray like a grizzly bear?
A: Every fall he goes into hibernation.
Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: What is the difference between a Raiders fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: How many Oakland Raiders does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Oakland Raiders.
Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: How do you keep an Oakland Raiders out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Why are so many Oakland Raiders players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
Q: What's the difference between the Raiders and cigarettes?
A: Peyton Manning doesn't smoke cigarettes
Q: What did the people of Oakland say to Las Vegas?
A: If you build it we won't come.
Q: What is a Oakland Raiders fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat San Diego."
Q: Why does President Obama want to send Raider ex-QB Jamarcus Russell to Syria?
A: The CIA are convinced Jamarcus is the only American who can overthrow Bashir Assad.
Q: How do you stop an Oakland Raiders fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in San Diego Blue and Gold!
Q: What do the Raiders and the Post Office have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sundays!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Oakland Raiders fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Raiders wide receiver, a Raiders linebacker, and a Raiders defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you casterate an Oakland Raiders fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What should you do if you find three Oakland Raiders football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Oakland Raiders fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. How did the Oakland Raiders fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What does an Oakland Raiders fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call an Oakland Raider in the Super Bowl?
A: A referee.
Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the mailman have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sunday.
Q: Did you hear that Oaklands's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Oakland Raiders fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What does a Oakland Raiders fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do Oakland Raiders fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: How do the Raiders spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
Q: What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead?
A: Have him watch a couple Oakland Raiders games.
Q: How do you keep a Raiders fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
Q: Why do the Oakland Raiders want to change their name to the Oakland Tampons?
A: Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!
Q: What's the difference between the Oakland Raiders & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
Q: Where do you go in Oakland in case of a tornado?
A: The Coliseum they never get a touchdown there!
Q. Why do ducks fly over the Coliseum upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Why doesn't Sacramento have a professional football team?
A: Because then Oakland would want one.
Q: Why are Oakland Raiders jokes getting dumber and dumber??
A: Because Raiders fans have started to make them up themselves.
Q: What's the difference between Oakland Raiders fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
Q: What's the difference between the Oakland Raiders and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more points.
Did you hear that O.co Coliseum had to be resodded?
Thats really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!
Can an Oakland Raiders player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.
My wife was about to put my son in an Oakland Raiders jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Oakland Raiders fans.
I put a Raiders logo on an airplane and now it can't touchdown.
Are you scared of catching the flu? Just hang in the Raiders end zone, they don't catch anything there.
I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Raiders jersey on it and now it sucks again.
Son: What's a touchdown?
Dad: I'm not sure son, we're Oakland Raiders fans.
Why did the Oakland Raiders fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.
A Raiders fan doesn't always eat pastries, but when he does it's usually a turnover.
Child Welfare
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Fulton County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. \
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Oakland Raiders, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Broncos Fan
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Raiders fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Raiders fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?'
Because I'm not a Raiders fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Raiders fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Broncos fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Broncos fan?'
"Because my mom is a Broncos fan, and my dad is Broncos fan, so I'm a Broncos fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Broncos fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?'
"Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Raiders fan.'
4 Football Fans
A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Chargers fan, and a Broncos fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Redskins! ' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain.
The Chargers fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Broncos fan off the mountain.
Darius Heyward Bey
Darius Heyward Bey walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Darius "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Darius. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
Condoms
What's clear and goes on a prick? A clear condom,
What's black and goes on a prick? A black condom,
What's black and silver and goes on a prick? A Raiders Jersey.
Thats A Problem
What do you call 10 Oakland Raiders fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 100 Oakland Raiders fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 1000 Oakland Raiders fans on the moon?
Still a problem.
What do you call all of the Oakland Raiders fans on the moon?
PROBLEM SOLVED!
Raiders Fan
A Raiders fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Royal Blue and Silver jersey. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Raiders fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Raiders fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Raiders supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well" said the supporter, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 100 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 100 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 100 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the god."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $300 dollars back, now f**k off".