Dirty Golf Jokes

What do you call a blonde at a golf course?
The 19th hole.

What should you do if you're golfing near lightning?
Hold your 2-iron in the air, because not even God can hit a 2-iron.

How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife?
He always puts his driver in the wrong bag.

How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course?
By stragetically placing fire hydrants.

Why are golf and sex so similar?
They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.

What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan?
A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.

Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club?
Happy Gilmore.

Where is the best place to go on vacation?
In the Golf of Mexico!

What do you getll a blonde at the driving range?
Lift your head and spread your legs.

What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day?
Wash your balls.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one.

Do you know why the game is called golf?
Because all the other four letter words were taken.

It's not the size of your putter that counts, its how many strokes you take.

What do you call Jessica Alba joining you and your buddies for a round of golf?
Fantastic 4-some.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.
Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron?
Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

If the point of golf is to hit the ball less, then do I win if I don't play at all?

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts?
In case he gets a hole in one.

What do you call a lion playing golf?
Roarin' Mcllroy

Why did Arnold Palmer get beat up?
Because he walked into the wrong club!

What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana?
Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver!

Why don't golfers in England work in the afternoon?
Because it would interrupt their tea time.

What does a golfer do on his day off?
Putter Around.

What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer?
Everyday I'm Schauffele.

Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores?
Because subtraction speaks louder than words.

What did the duck say to the golf ball?
Nothing it should have ducked.

What kind of model is Paige Spiranac?
A hole in one of a kind model.

Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife?
Because he thought every day he needed to play around.

What did the golfer say after performing yoga?
"Damn, my shaft is all bent."

What did the Mormon say to his golfing buddies?
After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course?
She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one.

What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation?
You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve.

"There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino

"Golf is my profession. Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." -Bob Hope

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife.
"Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

Which is the easiest golf stroke?
The fourth putt!

How can you tell which golfer is a womanizer?
He's the one getting his balls cleaned.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.
Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right ?"

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs.
She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them.
The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.
The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.
All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par.
She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. "
The guys think, 'what a deal!'
The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."

Golf Cart
A man during his married years overturned his golf cart and a blonde said to him come to my place and rest.
She was quite convincing and then took her clothes off once there.
And he said "I don't think my wife is going to like this."
And she answered "She will never know."
He said "That's not the problem she's still under cart."

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