Farmer Jokes

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field!

What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
A transfarmer.

What day do potatoes hate the most?

What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog!

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!

What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A Protractor

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?

If a cow laughed really hard.... would milk come out of her nose?

Why did the cow jump over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.

What's the best part of farming?
Getting down and dirty with my hoes

What kind of pigs know karate?
Pork chops!

What is a Happy Farmers favorite candy?
A Jolly Rancher.

What do farmers need to create crop circles?
A Pro-tractor.

What do you call a Nebraskan farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What new crop did the farmer plant?
Beets me!

What grows under your nose?

Where do farmers send their kids to grow?

Who tells chicken jokes?

What is a farmers favorite Bruce Springsteen song?
Born in the USDA.

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
Udder nonsense!

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.

What happened when the farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
He got a hot-diggity-dog!

Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed!

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's popcorn?

Why did the pig take a bath?
The farmer said, "Hogwash"!

Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being amoosed!

What do you get when you cross a farmer and some trendy headphones?
Beets by Dre.

What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor!

What is a sheep's favorite game?

Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead!

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll!

Why were the baby strawberries crying?
Their ma and pa were in a jam

What type of horses only go out at night?

What is a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis!

What did the farmer get when he crossed an owl with a goat?
a 'Hootinanny'

Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
He wanted sweet and sour pork!

What did the farmer say when he lost one of his cows?
What a miss-steak.

Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?
The farmacist (pharmacist).

Why did the lamb call the police?
He had been fleeced.

Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was in a pickle!

How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

What grows when fed but dies when watered?

What do you give a sick horse?
Cough stirrup!

What do you call a dog on the farm?
A Corn Dog.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing!

What do you call an arctic cow?
An eskimoo!

What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar!

What do you get when you cross a Elephant with a garden?

How did the chicken farmer get into Guinness World Records?
He has a massive cock.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.

Farmer: "Why can't you make bread like my mother?"
Wife: "Why can't you make dough like my father?"

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

I was really impressed by the farmer I saw the other day. He was out standing in his field.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wheel barrow
Wheel barrow who?
Wheel barrow one pair of gloves please.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the utter side!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To prove it wasn't chicken!
Why did the horse cross the road?
To visit his neighborhood!
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get all of his animals back!

Three Girls
Three girls named Marie, Alexis and Taylor were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Marie remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Alexis walk to the farm, leaving Taylor guarding the car.
When Marie and Alexis get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Marie grabs a turnip, and Alexis grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Taylor walks in. He tells Taylor to do the same as they just did, and Taylor heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Marie and Alexis to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Marie laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Alexis laughs and she gets killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Alexis asks Marie why she died. Marie said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Marie then asked Alexis why she laughed, Alexis said: "I saw Taylor coming around the corner with a pineapple!

Police Patrol

From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar called the Rammer Jammer in a small farmtown in Alabama. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud farmer. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

Watermelon Patch
A small-town country farmer has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to his prized watermelons.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

A few years ago, some folks from the PETA (People For Ethical Treatment of Animals) and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old man in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep......they're eatin' 'em."

Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the $140 million dollar Powerball lottery."

Farmer: "Thank you."

Interviewer: "Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?"

Farmer: "Nope. Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming until the lottery money is all gone."

Old Farmer
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog.
He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said, "Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into a beautiful farmers wife."
Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket.
The frog asked, "Didn't you hear what I said?"
The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Family Ranch
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch in 1875. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $499. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word comfortable. The operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable? The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it real slow. ( com-for-da-bull )

A farmer sat down at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Where's My Tractor
A farmer and his wife got into a huge fight after which the wife stormed off.
Farmer: "Where did you leave the tractor?"
Wife: "In the Mill field."
Farmer: "But there's no way into the Mill field!"
Wife: "There is now."

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