Johnny Carson Jokes

Johnny Carson Stand Up Monologues Jokes

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford. An actor and a stuntman.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"

"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Johnny Carson Carnac The Magnificent Jokes

Answer: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Question: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

Answer: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Question: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

Answer: A triple and a double, catcher's and fielder's, and Dolly Parton.
Question: Name two big hits, two big mitts ... and a famous country singer!

Answer: Do-whacka-do.
Question: What do you look for when you're hunting do-whackas?

Answer: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou.
Question: Name three things that have yeast.

Answer: Dippity-do.
Question: What collects on your dippity in the morning?

Answer: The Nestea Plunge.
Question: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?

Answer: William Safire.
Question: What's Shakespeare's first name, Kingfish?

Answer: Knickerbocker.
Question: What do you want to avoid doing when you shave her bocker?

Answer: Zeppo Marx.
Question: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zeppo?

Answer: Touchback.
Question: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

Answer: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Question: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?

Answer: Big Ben, Joe Namath, and a candidate's campaign promises.
Question: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.

Answer: Sis Boom Bah.
Question: What sound does a sheep make when it explodes?

Answer: Yassir Arafat.
Question: What's the sound made when Dolly Parton removes her bra?

Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington.
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.

Answer: Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan.
Question: Name two hockey players and a hockey puck.

Answer: Catch-22.
Question: What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies.

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