Chris Rock Jokes
Chris Rock Stand Up Jokes
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are namedBush, Dick, andColon. Need I say more?
My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. "If they ain't cutting it off, I ain't paying." She would say, "The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they'll come and tap on your window." Her whole philosphy of life was: if you die owing money, then you've won.
People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat! If you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the s**t out of it!
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.
We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f**king lactose intolerance?!
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population, and 90% of the Final Four.
Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah's on there. Cosby. Michael Jordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can't get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.
Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth, they're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole f***ing country? S**t. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.
I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you f***ed up.
You don't pay taxes. They take taxes.
My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
A man is only as faithful as his options.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin' the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!
You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
That shit wasn't about race. That shit was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous he'd be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.
If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she's damn near 40.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!
I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.
Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!
They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.
The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!"
There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people ,and there's two sides, there's black people and theres niggas. The niggas have got to go.You can't have shit when you around niggas, you can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, "I heard you got robbed." Nigga, you know you robbed me. You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit! You can't go see a movie, you know why? 'Cause niggas is shooting at the screen, "This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in here!" You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!
You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders. � Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, "Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!" Niggers will say "I would blow your fucking head off--if I could afford it! I'm gonna get me another job, I'm gonna start saving some money, and then you're dead man!. You better hope I can't get no bullets on layaway!
Chris Rock (Bigger and Blacker)
A bunch of girls say, "You don't need no man to help you raise no child" � shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!
Chris Rock (Bigger and Blacker)
Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
Chris Rock (Bigger and Blacker)
I'm watching the news � Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin's bullets � no, they wasn't. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.
Chris Rock (Bigger and Blacker)
'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were � every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right. Women are offered dick every day. Every woman in here � gets offered dick at least three times a week. Three times a day, shit! That's right, every time a man's being nice to you � all he's doing is offering dick. That's all it is. "Can I get that for you? � How about some dick?" "Could I help you with that? � Could I help you to some dick?" � "Do you need some dick?"
Chris Rock (Bigger and Blacker)
My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
"Daddy, can we talk?" "Hey, I'm watching the game!" "I'll show you! I'll dance naked to the M�tley Crue records!...I'm gonna change my name to Cina Buns!...and I'm gonna wear clear heels!" When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said: "We need something new! Something that just says nasty"...And one girl said: "I got it! Clear heels!" Ooh, girl, you disgusting!"
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat the buffet? How the fuck could you eat on a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you THAT hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D's or some shit! Not even Rwandan refugees won't eat that shit! At a damn strip club! Tities and Tater Tots don't mix!
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!.
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body: "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick!"
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
Hey, man don't let all this celebrity garbage fool you. It's all just a trick to get your mind...off...the...war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
If you wanna get away with murder, shoot him in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket!
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
You know, the beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is the absolute only issue that the President will answer. The President don't give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. "Mr. President, what about the war, when's it gonna end?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and we're looking for stuff, and we might find it, we might not, and it's out there, we're gonna get it, you never know, how's it going, yeah!" "Mr. President, what about the economy, when's it gonna pick up?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator, you know what I'm saying, all right!" "Mr. President, what about gay marriage?" "Fuck them faggots!"
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: "Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass."
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them � "fuck that bitch," "fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that." If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, "I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it." Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
God will send you a double date with the perfect couple. Have you ever made the mistake of going on a double date with the perfect couple? You're in the middle of your bullshit relationship and you actually sit down with two people that are actually in love. You can't even eat your food cause you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand like, "Oh shit! He's really listening to what she's got to say! Wow! They really like being around each other! Man, we can't hang with them no more, they gonna break us up. Can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life!"
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy." Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby." And that's how life is decided in America.
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
The number one reason people hate America: the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government, but on your money it says in God we trust. All my life I've been looking for God, and He's right in my pocket. Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church, the church of ATM. Everywhere you look there's a new branch popping up � remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don't got. And if you got less than twenty dollars, the machine won't even talk to you. The machine is like, "You better go see a teller." You ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents?
Chris Rock (Never Scared)
George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra...anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
Barack Obama! A black man! With a black name! I know that ain't that black here, but in America that's about as black as a name could get. Barack Obama! That's right next to Dikembe Mutombo. That's right. Barack, man, he don't let his blackness sneak up on you. Y'know, if his name was Bob Jones or something, it might take you two or three weeks to realize he black. But as soon as you hear "Barack Obama"...you expect to see a brother with a spear! Just standin' on top of a dead lion! Barack Obama! You expect to see the bass player from the Commodores come out! [sings and mimes playing bass] "Too hot ta trot, now, baby, too hot ta trot, bay-by!" I'm not talkin' about Lionel Richie, I'm talkin' about them shiny niggas behind him!
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
We're not just voting for him 'cause he's black, we're voting for him 'cause he's black and qualified. That's why we're voting for the motherfucker. Yeah. That's why we behind him. It's not like we're voting for Flavor Flav. "Yeeeeah, boooooy! Flavor Flaaaav!" Hey, I love Flavor. Lovin' him for 20 years. I love the "Flavor of Love" show; I think it's quite entertainin'. But Flavor Flav must be killed. In order for black people to truly reach the promised land, Flavor Flav has to be shot. These are important times! We got a black man runnin' for President! We don't need a nigger runnin' around with a fuckin' clock around his neck and a Viking hat on his head! "Not this year, Flav, put a suit on! Nigga, put a suit on!"
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hangin' from a cliff, gettin' ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one. "Hey, Bush, I need a fuck!" "Ohh, you know I don't give a fuck. Here's a fuck...psych!"
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
There's nothin' a white person could ever say to me that will ever catch me off-guard. Ever! I'm always lookin' for some racism! No matter where the fuck I'm at, I'm like "where the racism at? Where it at, where it at, where it at?" No matter where I'm at. I could be sittin' down with Regis Philbin, doin' an interview, talkin' about Madagascar 2, sayin' "yeah, Regis, Madagascar 2's real good, man. I play a zebra again! Oh, this motherfucker's great!" And right in the middle of the interview, Regis'll pull a pencil out of his pocket, stab me in the neck and say "take that, ya fuckin' nigger! Take that, ya dirty, greasy nigger! Take that, ya fuckin' nigger!" And I'd be like "I shoulda seen it comin'. I let Regis get too close." I'll be mad at me. I'll apologize--"hey, man, I left my neck all out, man. I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry."
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
[on Isaiah Washington being fired] What if the person that he called a faggot...was acting like a faggot? You don't have to be gay to act like a faggot. You don't even have to be a man to act like a faggot. Anybody can act like a faggot. Let me give you an example: I love Gwen Stefani. I think No Doubt is one of the best groups in the world; I keep a No Doubt CD in my car and I sing that shit to the end. I'm like "don't speak, I know just what you're sayin', oh, please stop explainin'"...I won't even get out my car 'til the shit's over. I'm like "you know you're good, you know you're real good...la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, [high pitched] Don't! Don't!" I fuckin' love me some Gwen Stefani! Now, if I'm drivin' my car, and I'm at the light, and you in the car behind me, and the light's red, and I'm just sittin' there blasting some Gwen Stefani and I'm like "ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback!" And you in the car behind me and the light's red--cool. But then the light turns green. And I don't see it, because I'm in Gwen Stefani heaven. And I'm just goin' "Ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback girl! Ain't no hollaback!" Now the light starts fuckin' blinking! It's gettin' ready to turn red again, and I *still* don't see it, and I'm in my car going "This shit is bananas! B-na-na-na-nas! This shit is bananas! B-na-na-na-nas!" Now if you in the car behind me, and that light's gettin' ready to turn red, and I'm going "this shit is bananas! B-na-na-na-nas!" If you in the car behind me, you have the right to go "HEY, FAGGOT! The light's about to change!" Shit, even Elton John would call me a faggot at that moment. It's not the word, it's the context in which the word is bein' said!
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
But the question remains the same: Can white people say "nigger"? And the answer's the same: not really. But wait a minute, there's one exception. There's one exception. There's one instance where white people can say nigger. And I'ma let it out tonight. I'ma let it out here in Johannesburg. The one time that white people can say nigger. White people are like "this is what I paid for! It's a fuckin' great night now!" The one time white people can say nigger: here it goes; listen closely. 'Cause I may never say this shit again. The one time white people can say nigger, OK: if it's Christmas Eve, and it's between 4:30 and 4:49 in the morning. If you white, and you're on your way to Toys 'R' Us to get your kid the last Transformer doll, and right before you walk into Toys 'R' Us, some black person runs up beside you, smacks you in the head with a brick, knocks you to the ground, stomps on your face--"take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker!" Riverdances on your head--"take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker!" Takes your money, pisses on you, and runs away--if you white, at that moment, you can say "Somebody stop that nigger!" Matter of fact, if you white and that happens to you, you can say nigger for a whole month! But you gotta walk around with the police report in your pocket. In case any black people catch you sayin' nigger, the police report will act as your freedom papers. "Hey, I heard you saying nigger; let me see your fuckin' papers. Gimme the papers; show me the papers!" [pretends to read a sheet] "Christmas Eve! 4:48! You just made it, motherfucker! Pissed on you! ...I hope they catch that nigger!"
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
Chris Rock Movie Quotes:
Chris Rock (Richard Cooper): Chicken again? I'm losin' my finger-lickin' mind over here!
[moves to leave]
Brenda Cooper: Where you goin'?
Chris Rock (Richard Cooper): To get some duck!
Down To Earth
Chris Rock (Richard Cooper): You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
Down To Earth
Brenda Cooper: Are you talking to some little bitch? Are you talking to some whore? In my house?
Chris Rock (Richard Cooper): No no no, it's George, it's George.
Brenda Cooper: George?! What kind of down low shit is that?
Down To Earth
Chris Rock (Richard Cooper): Life is about choice. We are the sum of our choices. And most of them are made for us. You can't choose when you're born. You can't choose where you are born. You can't choose your family. You can't even choose who you love. But you can choose how you love.
Down To Earth
Chris Rock (Mays Gilliam): I work in a neighborhood so bad, you can get shot while you're gettin' shot.
Head Of State
Chris Rock (Mays Gilliam): If we had laws on the Destiny's Child Video, we'd have less crime.
Brian Lewis: I think we should let the people decide.
Chris Rock (Mays Gilliam): The people can't decide! The people are too busy gettin shot in the ass!
Head Of State
Debra Lassiter: That's exactly what we wanted to talk to you about.
Martin Geller: We'd like you to run for President.
Chris Rock (Mays Gilliam): Of what?
Martin Geller: The United States.
Chris Rock (Mays Gilliam): Of what?
Martin Geller: Of America.
Chris Rock (Mays Gilliam): Which America?
Debra Lassiter: NORTH... America, Mays.
Chris Rock (Mays Gilliam): Get out of here.
Head Of State
Chris Rock (Lee Butters): Somebody took my phone number and called Afghanistan. Afghanastan. I've never talked to anyone in Afghanistan, I don't know nobody in Afghanistan, and even if did know anyone, I wouldn't talk to that Afghan ass for three hours. I won't talk to my daddy for three hours.
Lethal Weapon 4
Chris Rock (Lee Butters): Ah, shit. He's dead, man. He's fuckin' dead, man. Yeah, this is how he wanted to come to America, right? Where was he, in The Killing Section? This guy's been shot 4 times. At close range, like he was executed.
Roger Murtaugh: He WAS executed.
Martin Riggs: Yeah, by the crew.
Chris Rock (Lee Butters): What the FUCK, man? We got people gettin' killed left, right and center in this town; now we're IMPORTING victims? Hey, gangbangers wanna kill each other? No problem. You or me, one of us gets shot? Hey, occupational hazard. But just a normal guy, THIS fuckin' guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody? That ain't right.
Lethal Weapon 4
Leo Getz: Hey Riggs, who's the perp? What did ya bust him for?
Chris Rock (Lee Butters): Oh, I'm a perp? You see a young brother in the back of a police car, automatically I'm a perp. Look at my suit, look at my tie. What do I look like, the fuckin' Crip's accountant? Look at this badge, bitch. Check out the gun.
Leo Getz: Whoa, hey hey hey, put the gun down, put the gun down.
Lethal Weapon 4