Beard Jokes
Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard?
The barber.
What do you call a man without a beard?
A woman.
How can you tell if a man with a beard is gay or straight?
The smell.
Why don't men with beards need vacuums?
They already have crumb catchers.
What do you call a goat with a beard?
Goatee.
What's the worst part of having a beard?
Being confused as a hipster.
How did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
What kind of facial hair helps you fake your own death?
Star-burns.
What do you call a bald drug dealer with facial hair?
Heisenberg.
The average man with facial hair touches it over 700 times a day.
Dear Disney, why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his beard.
Yo momma so old she knew gandalf before he had a beard.
I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
I like big beards and I can not lie.
"Don't point that beard at me. It might go off." -Groucho Marx
Men who wear these big thick beards with scraped back hair? Is it Fashion or is Ireland up to something again?
"Kissing a guy with a beard is a lot like going on a picnic. You don't mind going through a little bush to get there." -Minnie Pearl
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
Heavenly Soldiers
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to
heaven?"
"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you
ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of
angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close
shave."
Flea Master
Theres is flea, that just hates his life.
One day he goes to the flea master and says to him "I am miserable, will you please put me somewhere where I am happy."
The flea master thinks and says, "I have somewhere I can put you." I will put you up on a horses hind, you'll really love it there."
So the master puts the flea up on the hind of the horse.
The next day the flea calls the master again and says "You have to get me out of here. This horse is killing me with his tail"
The master says "I have another place I can put you. I will put you up high on an old country singers beard named Willie Nelson. You'll really love it there."
The next day the flea tells the master again "You have to get me out of here, this pot smoking guy is killing me"
The master says "I have one more place I will put you and I dont want to hear another word out of you."
"I will put you on young Taylor Swift's snatch." The master again tell the flea "You really love it there."
So the master picks the flea up and place him onto Taylor Swift's snatch.
The next day the flea calls the flea master , the masters says "I told you I didnt want to hear from you again, to leave me alone."
The flea says "But master you dont understand, I'm back in Willie Nelson beard."
Biker Club
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy,
bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain
biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her,
"You have a
bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over
there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of
cigarettes a day and
a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been
picked up by the
Fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the
fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Hand Job
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."