Russia Jokes
Short Russia Jokes
Q: How does every Russian joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters
Q: What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?
A: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's.
Q: What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?
A: Yukanol Fukov.
Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
Q: Where do Russians get their milk?
A: From Mos-cows.
Q: What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A: The bus and train timetables.
Q: What is Communism?
A: The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
Q: What do you call a gassy russian?
A: Vladimir Tootin
Q: What is the fastest country in the world?
A: Russia
Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A: A bloody miracle.
Q: What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin?
A: Put-it-in!
Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A: Electricity.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
Q: I asked my Russian friend "How is it going?"
A: He replied "can not complain"
Q: When was the first Russian election held?
A: The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."
Q: Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
A: Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.
Q: Where do Russians get their electricity?
A: From Moscow Dynamo
Q: What do Russians eat for dessert?
A: Rice Putin.
Q: What does a Russian bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard?
A: A new last name.
Q: How do you relate to the Soviet government?
A: Like a wife: part habit, part fear and wish to God I had a different one.
Q: Did you hear about the new Putin diet?
A: You let Obama eat your lunch every day.
Q: What sort of a job should you take, so as never to be unemployed?
A: Climb up on the Kremlin wall and watch for the approach of Communism.
Q: How can you ensure that your refrigerator is always full of food?
A: Plug it into Radio Moscow.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: What do you call an Russian in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.
I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
Imagine if Jesus was Russian, and it was vodka instead of wine.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Russia!
Russia who?
Why are you Russian to get married?
Stalin's Office
When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this.
The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'?
Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."
Little Boy
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
CIA
The CIA is trying to get into Russia but they can't find someone who has Russian characteristics.
They adopt a kid at birth and teach him how to drink Vodka by the gallon play the Russian guitar and speak with a perfect accent.
The child grows up and travels to Russia one day where he goes to a bar.
He speaks to the bartender in a wonderful accent.
The bartender says you have a wonderful accent but your not Russian.
Outraged he says of course I'm and he gets out his guitar and plays it beautifully.
The bar tender says again your a great guitar player but your not Russian.
Not happy he starts ordering Vodka by the gallon and chugs it.
The barman surprised but not convinced says I know your not Russian because no Russians are black.
Immigrants
Two Russian immigrants talk about their former country:
"You know, since we left, the regime has relaxed. The government even organized a contest of the best political joke."
"That's good, and what is the first price?" asks the other.
"10 years in prison!"
Adam and Eve
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
Genie
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes
a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I
will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking
vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka
whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home
he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He
looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he
smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and
it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come
quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He
tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant
but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she
has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells
his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds
to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the
vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife
to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need
one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because
tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
The Foreigner
Once there was a man that came from Russia to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."