New Jersey Jokes
Short New Jersey Jokes
Q: Why Don't Gays Live in New Jersey?
A: Because they have taste!
Q: What do you call someone who dies because of a politically-inspired traffic jam?
A: A "corpus Christie"!
Q: What did Delaware?
A: A New Jersey.
Q: Why is New Jersey called the Garden State?
A: Because Oil, Petrolium, Nuclear, Land Fill, & Toxic Waste State Didn't fit on a license plate!
Q. What's the difference between a Rider University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Newark?
A: The Crime Rate!
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Newark?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
Q: Why do Rider grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho... Alaska!
Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation?
A: Moo Jersey.
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick!
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New Jersey?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Rider University campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: What is Chris Christie's nickname?
A: Cake Boss.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Rider University library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in Rutgers University football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average Rider University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many Rider University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What happens if BP can actually contain and clean up the Gulf Oil Spill?
A: The government will then ask them to clean up the "Jersey Shore"!
Q: How do you make Rutgers University cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: If you have a car containing a Scarlet Knight wide receiver, a Scarlet Knight linebacker, and a Scarlet Knight defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in New Jersey?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: What does a Scarlet Knights grad call a Princeton grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!
I'm not saying Seton Hall basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in High Point Solutions Stadium?
A: Two Scarlet Knights fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the New Jersey regents decide to cover High Point Solutions Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Scarlet Knights always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from New York to New Jersey?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't Monmouth cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Pennsylvania lean east?
A: New Jersey Sucks
Q: What does a girl from New Jersey do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Rutgers basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Seton Hall students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did Rutgers disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a Rider University diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $80,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every Rider University diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the Thomas Edison State College grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Rutgers.
Q: Why did Princeton change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Seton Hall basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Rutgers Scarlet Knights football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Newark girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do Princeton grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a Seton Hall grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a Scarlet Knights fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do Monmouth fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Rutgers change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Scarlet Knights cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Rider University.
Q: Whats the difference between Newark, New Jersey and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Rutgers Scarlet Knights eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between High Point Solutions Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Pennsylvania-New Jersey border.
Q: How do you confuse a Rider student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from Philadelphia to Newark?
A: Go east until you smell shit and north until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a Thomas Edison State College grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q: How do you casterate an Rutgers fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the Rutgers Scarlet Knights and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Rutgers students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Rutgers campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the Rutgers University?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three Rutgers University football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Rutgers fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in New Jersey?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Rutgers Scarlet Knight die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: How do you get a man in New Jersey to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..
Q: What do they call students who go to Rutgers?
A: Rejects from NYU!
Q: What does a Rutgers Scarlet Knight fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What do you call an Rutgers Scarlet Knight in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Rutgers and NYU students have in common?
A: They both got in to Rutgers
Q: What's the difference between a Rutgers football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Rutgers football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Rutgers Scarlet Knights does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an Rutgers grad life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a New Jersey native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from Rutgers University have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do Rutgers University and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Rutgers?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an New Jersey girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an Rutgers football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Rutgers fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat West Virginia."
Q: Why does a Rutgers fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an Rutgers fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in West Virginia Black and Gold!
Q: What did the New Jersey female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Scarlet Knights fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Scarlet Knights games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in New Jersey?
A: No one would look for them.
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was a West Virginia Mountaineers fan and he was a Syracuse Orangemen fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Mountaineers fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a West Virginia Mountaineers fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO SCARLET KNIGHTS!"
Sheep Coitus
A West Virginia Moutaineers fan and a Rutgers Scarlet Knights fan were driving along when all of a sudden the West Virginia fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the West Virginia fan said "We Mountaineers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Rutgers fan, "Your turn"...
And the Scarlet Knights fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
Governor Christie
The election campaign for the presidential election in the United States runs at full speed.
Governor Christie has just finished an event in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, at 3 p.m. and, sweaty and hungry, asks his driver, George, to take a break at the next diner.
They find one, sit down and order 2 draft beers and the menu.
Unfortunately, there is nothing else on the menu but turtle soup; so they order the soup.
After the third beer and an hour later the soup is still not served.
So Governor Christie sends his driver into the kitchen. Asking for what was going on.
The cook is in despair: "I want to make fresh turtle soup, but every time I want the turtle's head, the beast pulls its head back into the shell and the knife sinks into the board. It is to despair."
The driver laughs: "Let me show you!" takes the tortoise, rams his middle finger into her butt, the frightened turtle stretches her head out ... presto, she is beheaded.
"It is fabulous! Where'd you get the trick?" asked the cook.
"Oh, very simple. How do think we tie the governor's tie every morning?"
Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud "Here Lies A Rutgers Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"
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