Ireland Jokes

Short Ireland Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
A: There's one less drunk.

Q: How does every Irish joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: What do you call a big Irish spider?
A: A Paddy long legs.

Q: What's the difference between Ireland and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.

Q: What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?
A: Liam Malone

Q: What do you call an Irishman covered in boils?
A: A leper-chaun.

Q: Why is Ireland the fastest growing country in Europe?
A: Because it's always Dublin.

Q: What do you call two gay Irish men?
A: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Q: What's an Irish 7-course meal?
A: A six pack and a potato.

Q: What do you call a Irish man with a piece of glass behind both ears?
A: Paddy O'Doors.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Irish beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: What do you call an Irishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Cos they're always a little short

Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?
A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

Q: Why did God invent whiskey?
A: So the Irish would never rule the world.

Q: What is Irish diplomacy?
A: It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip

An Irish man walks out of a bar...... really it can't happen.

There are only two kinds of people in the world, the Irish and those who wish they were.

If you're enough lucky to be Irish... You're lucky enough!

May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets always have a coin or two inside!

May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head. May you be forty years in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St Patricks Day!


Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"

As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...

In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...

Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!"

Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

Irish Priest

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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