New Years Jokes

New Years Eve One Liners

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Years resolution is 1080p

I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

If 2019 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2019 like it was yesterday

Dear Luck, .....can we be friends in 2018 Please?

I raised my left leg before the ball dropped so I could start the New Year off on the right foot.

In 2020, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard....again.

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and January 25th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2019 and a beautiful beginning into 2020.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2020.

Just heard that in 2020 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear.
Be joyous, cause its a New Year.

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2020 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

People think New Years is a life changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.

I heard Donald Trump wants to Make New Years Eve Great Again.

I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

It's officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

There have been many times in 2019, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2020!

The only ball that will be dropping on Times Square this New Years Eve is MINE.
Lance Armstrong.

An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Years Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.

New Years Eve Short Jokes

What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
I haven't seen you for a year!

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
He gave up thinking.

What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!

What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
Social Security

New Years Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops?
Justin Bieber gets jealous

Where can you find comedians on New Years Eve?
Waiting for the punchline.

What do you cows celebrate on December 31st?
Moo Years Eve.

What do farmers give their wives at Midnight on New Years Eve?
Hogs and kisses!

Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Mary and Abby!
Mary and Abby who?
Mary christmas and a Abby new year.

Auld Lang Syne Lyrics (Short Version)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,

We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne

Auld Lang Syne Lyrics by Robert Burns (1788)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl't in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o' thine,
And we'll tak a right guid willie-waught
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint' stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne!


Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And days of long ago !

For old long ago, my dear
For old long ago,
We will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago.

We two have run about the hillsides
And pulled the daisies fine,
But we have wandered many a weary foot
For old long ago.

We two have paddled (waded) in the stream
From noon until dinner time,
But seas between us broad have roared
Since old long ago.

And there is a hand, my trusty friend,
And give us a hand of yours,
And we will take a goodwill draught (of ale)
For old long ago!

And surely you will pay for your pint,
And surely I will pay for mine!
And we will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago!

New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Tattoo Parlor
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request.
"Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I'm not in them

I will think of a password other than "password"

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Watch less T.V. in standard definition

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

Procrastinate more.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

Drink. Drink some more.

Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Famous New Years Eve Birthdays
New Years Eve Pick Up Lines
New Years Eve Trivia
Winter Jokes
Cold Jokes

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