Boob Jokes
Q: What is the origin of the word "Boob"?
A: The "B" is the aerial view, the "oo" is the front view, the "b" is the side view.
Q: What do toys and boobs have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!
Q: What did saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "If we don't get some support here people are going to think were nuts."
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies!
Q: What do you call a woman who adds a third boob?
A: A chestnut.
Q: What did the bra say to the hat?
A: You go on a head while I give these two a lift!
Q: Why did God give women breasts?
A: So men would take to them!
Q: What did the ghost say to the hornets?
A: BOO bees.
Q: What do you call the space inbetween Pamela Anderson's breasts?
A: Silicon Valley.
Q: What do you call a nanny with a breast implants?
A: A Faux pair.
Q: Why are redheads flat chested?
A: It makes it easier to read their T- shirts
Q: What do you call identical boobs?
A: Identitties.
Q: What do you call a redhead with large breasts?
A: A mutant.
Q: How are a blonde's breasts and a pad alike?
A: Neither are recomended for the beach and both come in different absorbency levels.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What's blue and has 100 nipples?
A: The dumpster at the cancer clinic.
Q: What did one boob say to the other boob?
A: You're my breast friend.
Q: Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
A: Her boobs were too big for B shells.
Q: Why did God give women boobs and nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men!
What do call the moisture on Dolly Parton's chest?
Mountain Dew
Q: What do you call that patch of hair between an old ladys tits?
A: Her snatch.
Q: What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman have in common?
A: If you take away the legs and the breast you're left with a smelly greasy box?
Q: Why did the Blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Whats big black, inside of a women, and is usually near their boobs?
A: Tumors
Q: When does a waitress wear a bikini?
A: In a breasteraunt.
Q: What do you call a white girl without boobs?
A: Justin Bieber
Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?
A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.
Q: What is America's favorite pastime?
A: Tits, Clits and Base Hits.
Q: Why don't nuns wear bras?
A: God supports everything.
Q: Why is a push up bra like a bag of chips?
A: You open it and its half empty
Q: What do you call a woman with only one boob?
A: One in a Melon.
Q: When is the last time most overweight men have touched a breast?
A: In a KFC bucket
A push up bra is like a bag of chips
You open it and its half empty
Q: What happens when you push two giant boobs together?
A: you create an asteroid. ( . )( . ) = ( . )
I was once slapped in the face by a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
College Football games are like boobs. Big or small, they're both great; Except when they're lopsided.
Boy: If you had no legs, would you wear socks?
Girl: No.
Boy: Then why do you wear a bra when you have no boobs?
Boy asks his new hot step mother: "What do you feed your baby?"
Step mother: "Milk and orange juice."
Boy: "Which side is orange juice?"
Young Reporter
A young reporter was having trouble finishing her byline.
The editor specifically told her they can't print the words breast or boobs.
The young reporter thought long and hard.
Finally he handed the Editor the following report.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"
Boob Size Grades
A ---> Almost Boobs
B ---> Barely there.
C ---> Can't Complain!
D ---> Damn!
DD ---> Double damn!
E ---> Enormous!
F ---> Fake
G ---> Get a reduction!
Drunk Blonde
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."
Kinds of Boobs
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
Elephant & Camel
An elephant asked a camel,"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.
Breast Stroke
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant.
Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her.
They embraced the young girl as she came ashore.
After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a sore loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
Boob IM Icons
Perfect Boobs (o)(o)
Fake Boobs ( + )( + )
Perky Boobs (*)(*)
Big Nipple Boobs (@)(@)
A Cups o o
Wonder Bra Boobs (oYo)
Lopsided Boobs (o)(O)
Grandma Boobs \ o /\ o /
If You Could
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
Forehead
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now?
Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so".
Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right "
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so".
"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break "
"I"m not a carpenter and I don"t want to fix steps". He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don"t think so I"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a titty fuck or bake a cake".
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"
Boob One Liners
I love you with all my boobs, I would say heart, but my boobs are bigger.
Twin Peaks is just one giant boob joke.
Boobs are like women. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake. But we'd touch em' all.
My boobs are having a hard time deciding what they want to be when they grow up
Fake tan. Fake boobs. Fake nails. Fake hair. Tell us again how you want a real man.
My breast intentions keep making a mess of things
If it weren't for nipples, boobs would be pointless.
Don't expect a girl to have big boobs & a big ass if you dont have a big wiener
If men can't focus on two things at once, then why do women have boobs?
Booby trap backwards equals party boob.
My wife was so happy to hear how much I donate to charity.....until she found out Charity works at Hooters.
Having to watch what you eat because you don't want your tummy to compete with your boobs
Boobs: Proving that guys can focus on two things at once.
Your boobs are so fake they make Kim Kardashian's ass look real.
Victoria Secrets having a 50% off bra sale.... Too bad I like bras 100% off.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby trap.
Why the fuck are bra's so expensive, all they do is hold boobs, I can do it for free
I think it's only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
Why is it called a training bra what are you training for the 100m breaststroke
Boobs are like the sun. Ok to look, but dangerous to stare. But that's what sunglasses are for.
That awkward moment when you're reading someone's shirt & it looks like you're staring at their boobs.
You're a boob. Just tittin' You're my breast friend.
Wanna know what slut stands for sexy, large, unforgetable, tits.
My girlfriend wanted a boob job for her birthday. So I bought her a bottle of baby lotion and whipped my cock out.
Friends are like boobs, some are small and some are big, some are real, and some are fake.
Boobs are like soda, nobody likes them flat.
I told your boss you quit working at KFC. I didn't like you touching other breasts, legs and thighs.
My girlfriend said she wants bigger boobs for her 18th birthday. So I got her pregnant.
This morning, I slipped on a Bra, I guess I fell into a BOOBY TRAP!
Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.
I'd jog for exercise, but it just feels criminal for my boobs to bounce like that when not having sex.
Gravity apologizes to no one. Especially your breasts.
Boobie Pick Up Lines
"Your breasts look heavy. May I hold them for you?"
Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, Show me your boobs, I'll post them maybe?
I see your boobs and I raise my penis.
Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?
I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest!
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among them
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your breasts?
Hey Baby! I'd like to use your breasts as earmuffs.
If I had to wear a bra it would get on my tits
Nice tits. Mind if I squeeze them?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's in your bra?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
(Walk into her chest) "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened.
Heaven
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
Boob Hanging Out
A blonde was walking down the street.
A policeman was walking the opposite way. "Hmmm," he wondered, "It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her shirt."
As he got closer, he realized it was. He approched her. He said, "Ma'am, do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your shirt?"
She replied, "Oh shit. I left the baby on the bus!"
Homework
A boy is walking home from school and he has to find 4 words and make a sentence
So he sees a plane taking off so he writes down take off
Then he walks passed a Zoo and he writes down zebra
Then he is at home and he is thinking of another word he sees his baby brother so he writes down Baby
Then he said to his teacher. Take off zebra baby
Milkman
Milkman brings milk to blondes door.
[old times,1950] notices, note, says please i need 5 gal. today to take a milk bath.in dismay
Man rings bell.
Blonde in robe opens door,milkman says "5 gal mam ,dont you mean 5qts."
She says no gallons, "I'm taking a milk bath today."
The milkman asks "Ok how would you like that pasturized?"
Woman replies, "No just up to my boobs!"
Women With Big Breasts
...can get a taxi on the worst days
...have a neat place to carry spare change
...have always been the centre of the arts (art)
...make jogging a spectator sport
...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than
them)
...usually can find leftover popcorn after a
movie
...can always carry a little extra
...always float better
...know
where to look first for lost earrings
...rarely lack for
a slow dance partner
...have a place to set their
glasses when sitting in an
armless recliner
WOMEN WITH LITTLE BREASTS...
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend
over
in public
...always look
younger
...find that dribbled food makes it to the
napkin on their lap
...can always see their toes and
shoes
...can sleep on their stomachs
...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small
cars
...know that people can read the entire message on
their t-shirts
...know that everything more than a
handful is wasted
...can come late to a theatre and not
disrupt an entire aisle
...can take aerobic class
without running the risk of knocking themselves out.