Cat Jokes
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning herself?
A. She's smoking a cigarette.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: a meowntain
Q: When is a lion not a lion?
A: When he turns into his cage!
Q: Why don't cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.
Q: What did the cat on the smart phone say?
A: Can you hear meow?
Q: Why are cats so good at video games?
A: Because they have nine lives!
Q: What do you call a flying cat?
A: I'm-paws-sible.
Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!
Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.
Q: What do you call an animal that can jump higher than a kangaroo?
A: Cathletic.
Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!
Q: Who are cats going to vote for in November?
A: Hillary Kitten.
Q: Why shouldn't you kidnap the kitten, Keanu?
A: Because curiousity killed the cat burglar.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry
Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None, because they were copycats!
Hell yeah I'm a catholic i've been addicted to cats my whole life
Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet
Q: What do tigers wear in bed?
A: Stripey pyjamas!
Q: Why did the cat wear a dress?
A: She was feline fine.
Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
A: The purrpatrator.
Q: What do you call an alternative rock band fronted by felines?
A: Death Cab for Kitty.
Q: How do you get a wet pussy?
A: Put it in the shower.
Q: What does a scaredy cat say?
A: Stop freaking meowt.
Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
Q: What is smarter than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!
Q: Why was the cat sitting on the computer?
A: To keep an eye on the mouse!
Q: What is the most breathless thing on television?
A: The Pink Panter Show!
Q: What did the cat say when he lost his toys?
A: You got to be kitten me.
Q: What is a cat's favorite color?
A: Purrrple!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!
Q: Why did the cat sleep under the car?
A: Because he wanted to wake up oily.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A: A peeping tom.
Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!
Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!
Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
A: Because he has sandy claws!
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Q: Do you want to hear a bad cat joke?
A: Just kitten.
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!
Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!
Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped,
What's a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!
Q: What do you call a cat that wears make up?
A: Glamourpuss.
Q: What do cats like to read?
A: Cat-alogues!
Q. What kind of sports car does a cat drive?
A. A Furrari.
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What do you get when you take a Kitty Kat to the tailor?
A: Bad Blood.
Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants?
A: Purrr-suasive.
Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?
A: a duck-filled platy puss.
Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is a lion's favorite food?
A: Baked beings!
Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny!
Q: What's striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!
Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!
Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?
A: Smack a lion!
Q: What is a cat's favorite dance move?
A: The Purr-colator.
Q: Why was the cat scared of the tree?
A: Because of its bark.
Q: What do you feed an invisible cat?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!
Q: How is cat food sold?
A: Usually purr can!
Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!
Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'
Q: What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A: A catastrophe!
Q: Who was the most powerful cat in China?
A: Chairman Miaow!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A: A cat-a-logue!
Q: What do you call a cat race?
A: A meowathon.
Q: Why did the cat get pulled over by the police?
A: Because it "littered"
Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
A: An octopuss!
Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
Q: When the cat's away.....?
A: The house smells better!
Q: What did the girl say to the talking cat?
A: You're freaking meowt.
Q: What is a cats favorite vegetable?
A: As-purr-agus.
Q: Did you know that cats designed the great pyramids of Giza?
A: It was all drawn out on paw-pyrus.
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Q: Did you hear about the passenger who had to be escorted off the airplane?
A: She let the cat out of the bag.
Q: Why are cats so good at video games?
A: Because they have nine lives!
Q: What's a cat's favorite button on the tv remote?
A: Paws
Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog?
A: She was purr-plexed.
Q: What do cats like to eat on sunny days?
A: Mice cream cones!
Q: What do you call a cat that doesn't use the litter box?
A: A pet project.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
A: Santa Claws!
Q: What kind of car does a fat cat drive?
A: a Catillac!
Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!
Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder?
A: A purr-ate!
Q: What do you call a cat that smells good?
A: prrrr-fume.
Q: Did you hear about the cat who wanted to learn how to bark?
A: Curiousity killed the cat.
Q: How do the Vietnamese like their soup?
A: Purrrrrfect.
Q: What is a cats favorite kitchen tool?
A: The "whisker".
Q: What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?
A: An eskimew!
Q: What is a cats favorite book?
A: The prince and the paw-purr.
Q: What did the cat say to the dog?
A: Check meow-t!
Q: What do you call a cat on ice?
A: One cool cat.
Cat: "You're not real!"
Nyan Cat: "At least I have a sparkly rainbow butt."
Q: What is a cats favorite musical instrument?
A: Purr-cussion.
Q: What do you call a cat that can address the media?
A: a Press Kit.
Q: What do cats wear at night?
A: paw-jamas!
Q: What is a felines favorite day of the week?
A: Caturday.
Q: What time is it when ten cats chase a mouse?
A: Ten After One.
Q: What do you call a cat that does tricks?
A: A magic kit.
Q: What do you call a painting of a cat?
A: A paw-trait
Q: What do you call a cat when it is huge?
A: A MEOW-SIVE CAT
Q: What do you call a cat that can't stop licking itself?
A: Purrr-verted.
Q: What do you call a cat that can put together furniture from Ikea?
A: an Assembly kit.
Q: Why did the cat go to the river?
A: Claws it wanted to.
Q: What's grumpy cat's favourite ride at Dreamworld in Australia?
A: The Paw!
Q: What's the first thing you say to a cat?
A: HELLO KITTY!
Q: What do you need to get a fast cat to use the litter box?
A: Quicksand.
Q: What was the special offer at the pet store this week?
A: Buy 1 Cat get 1 Flea!
Q: What do you call a kitten that likes to cuddle?
A: Paws-tively purrrfect.
Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on its tail?
A: Me-ow!
Q: What part of a cat has more fur?
A: The outside.
Q: How do you make cats furry?
A: The spin cycle.
Q: Did you hear about the cat that climbed the Himilayas?
A: She was a sher-paw.
Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off!
Q: Where does a cat go when he looses his tail?
A: The retail store!
Q: What do you call a cat that can rough the great outdoors?
A: A survival kit.
Q: What did the cat in the box say?
A: Get Meowt of here.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claws!
Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school?
Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"
My kitten was having trouble watching her Blu-Ray. Turns out she just had the movie on paws.
yo cat is so fat when it tried to chase the lazer pointer it made a earth quake.
I think I have OCD.....Obessive Cat Disorder.
I got rid of my boyfriend. The cat was allergic.
Don't tell me a funny cat joke or I'll puma pants.
Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.
Cats are like potato chips. You can never have just one.
Since my cat is getting old, I'm gonna start calling him GranPAW.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cat!
Cat who?
"Cat me outside, how bout dat"
My boyfriend came over, saw my litter box, and smugly said, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
He wasn't so smug when I told him, "No, it's for company!"
Number Cats
There were two cats
1 of their names was one two three and
The other name was une duex triois
They had a race across the lake, which one won?
One two three won,
because une duex trois cat sank
Movies
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cat sitting next to him.
"Are you a cat?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The cat replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
Dispatch
The police dispatch picks up the phone and writes down the call for help:
"Please send someone urgent, a cat has broken in!"
The police dispatcher responded, "Sir, I don't think I heard you correctly? A cat at your home?"
"A cat! He has invaded my house and is walking towards me!
Again the police dispatch tried to correct him "But how so? You mean a thief?"
"NO! I'm talking about a freaking cat, the one that does 'meow, meow', and it's coming my way!.... You have to come now!"
"So what about this cat coming toward you?" the officer replies trying to grasp the situation
"He's going to kill me, now he's going mental! And you will be the reason I die"
"Who is talking?" the officer asks
The parrot, you jac**ss!
Digging A Hole
A guy is digging a hole in his garden.
His neighbor, intrigued, asks him: What is this hole for?
The other responds: "It's to bury my poor parakeet who died this morning."
My condolences. But ... isn't that a big hole for such a small bird?
It's because my "little bird" is in the belly of your "big cat"
Old Cat Lady
It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.
The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."
The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"
So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy."
Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime.
The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."
Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.
"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"
Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"
Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand
every word you say.
Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick
your face.
Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die.
Cats will
make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats
don't
care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in
your
slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to
you.
Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats
will have
someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats
will play
with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that
look like
they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly
sneak
out the back door.
Dingo
One day a lady took a dingo to the veterinarian. The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head.
"I'm sorry your dingo is dead" said the doctor.
"How could you be so sure" the lady said.
So the man left the room and come back with a labrodore retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat. The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead.
With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. "$400, why $400?".
The doctor replied "If you had've believed me first it would of been $60".
"But why still" the lady insists.
To which the doctor says "Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"
Large Litter
A little boy calls his friend and says: "Help, my cat has given birth to 10 kittens! I do not know where to leave them .... because I do not have enough space at home!"
Then the friend replies: "You can leave them in front of some bar or restaurant, there they can find food!".
The boy takes his friend's advice but calls him later with the news: "It didn't work, the kittens came right back home!"
So his friend says: "That's fine, so leave them in front of the closed shops, where there are no lights and they will not be able to find their way home".
The boy does as he said but then calls him: "It didn't work, the cats have returned home as if they had GPS!"
And the friend replied annoyed. "at this point go farther than you've ever gone before, turn left, turn right, confuse the hell out of those little buggers."
.
After about 2 days, the friend calls the boy: "So you got rid of the kittens?" and he replies: "Well let me tell you, I walked for about a day, got lost and I just came back.... if I did not follow the cats I would not have even made it home!".