Bird Jokes
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey!
Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
A: Tweetie Pie!
Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!
Q: Why couldn't anyone see the bird?
A: Because it was in da skies! (disguise)
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
A: Jail-birds!
Q: What kind of math do birds like?
A: Owlgebra.
Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl.
Boy: Who?
Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?
A: Plant bird seed!
Q: How did the bird break into the house?
A: With a crow bar.
Q: How do blue jays stay fit?
A: Wormups.
Q: What language do geese speak?
A: Porchageese
Q: What kind of bird runs the church?
A: A cardinal!
Q: What do you call a bird with a black belt?
A: Steven Seagull.
Q: Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?
A: Because he had a very big bill.
Q: How do you get a raven to stop calling?
A: Take away its cell phone?
Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A: Don't ask her out again.
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawnmower?
A: Shredded tweet.
Why does the bird bring toilet paper to the party?
Because he is a party pooper.
Q: What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
A: Cherpies
Q: What did the maple tree say to the woodpecker?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: What does a bird like in his soup?
A: Crowtons.
Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
A: Because they're both full of stuffing!
Q: What bird movie won an Oscar?
A: Lord of the Wings.
Q: What do you get if you kiss a bird?
A: A peck on the cheek!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
A: Fowl play!
What do birds like about outside?
Debris.
Q: What do you call a sick eagle?
A: Illegal
Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?
A: They quack up!
Q: What is a bird's favorite game?
A: Beakaboo.
Why did the doves miss the wedding?
They were under the feather.
Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!
Q: What does a farmer call an escaped bird?
A: a loose goose.
Q: What is the most uncomfortable of all birds?
A: The Wedgie-tailed eagle.
Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!
Q: What do you call a bird that kicks your butt?
A: Steven Seagull.
Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!
Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!
Q: What books did the owl like?
A: Hoot-dunits!
Q: What kind of bird doesn't need a comb?
A: A bald eagle.
Q: Where does bird royalty live?
A: Duckingham Palace.
Q: What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
A: The crane
Q: What bird can you buy at the grocery store?
A: A kiwi
Q: What bird is helpful at dinner?
A: A swallow!
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!
Q: What is the definition of Robin?
A: A bird who steals!
Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!
Q: What's another name for a clever duck?
A: A wise quacker!
Q: Which bird is always out of breath?
A: A puffin!
Q: What's got six legs and can fly long distances?
A: Three swallows!
Q: How many cans does it take to make a bird?
A: Two cans.
Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?
A: The feather forecast!
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: A bird that will talk you ear off!
Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers!
Q: What is a hawks favorite show?
A: Bird "House of Cards".
Q: How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Toucan do it.
Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!
Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath?
A: Robber ducks!
Q: What kind of bird opens doors?
A: A kiwi!
Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster?
A: Pearls of Wisdom
Q: What language do birds speak?
A: Pigeon English!
Q: What do you call a duck on drugs?
A: a quackhead
Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
A: Send him to polytechnic!
Q: Did you hear about the seabird that was friends with a black cat?
A: It was an albatross.
Q: What did the Eagle say when he was cold?
A: Birrrrrd.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they forgot the words!
Q: Where do birds invest their money?
A: In the stork market!
Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
A: The Birds Eye counter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A: A bird that talks in morse code!
Q: What do you get when you cross a country singer with a bird?
A: A Nashville warbler.
Q: What did Leonardo Dicaprio say to the bird?
A: Catch Me If Toucan.
Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawnmower?
A: Shredded tweet.
Q: If there's 4 birds sitting on a fence and you get a gun and shoot one, how many are left?
A: 0 birds are left because the rest fly away.
Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be a bagel.
Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining?
A: 'Too wet to woo'!
Q: What soap do birds use?
A: Dove.
Q: Why do I make up really bad bird jokes?
A: Just be-caws.
Q: What do baby swans dance to?
A: Cygnet-ure-tunes!
Q: At Christmas, who brings presents and toys to all good little bird girls and boys?
A: Santa Caws!
Q: Why do birds fly south?
A: Because it is to far to walk
Q: What is Sarah Palins favorite bird?
A: The artic loon.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
If someone could convince Justin Bieber to drive Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan off of a cliff, we could kill two birds with one stoner.
Birds of a feather flock together.....that is why you are not my friend.
Two birds walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
You want to make bird puns?.....Toucan play that game.
Hi, I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
They say the early bird catches the worm,
but girl you can show up at any time and still get a bite...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Oh, I didn't know there was an owl in here!
Religious Cowboy
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a goose walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the goose's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the goose. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Movies
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like an Eagle sitting next to him.
"Are you a eagle?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The eagle replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Beautiful Blonde
A guy is in a bar having a quiet drink by himself when a young beautiful blonde lady walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink.
The guy turns and says to her "Have you ever had a BUDGIE sit on your right shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy says "Have you ever had a PARROT sit on your left shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy then says, "Aah but I bet you've had a Cock,or,too (cockatoo) in your Mouth."