More Kiddie Jokes
SEYMOUR
When Seymour passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates.
"Thou be hungry, Seymour?" saidth God.
"I could eat," Seymour replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and
they
shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into
Hell
and
saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
pastries
and
fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour remained quiet.
The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a meal.
Again,
it
was tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Seymour could see
the
denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and
chocolates.
Still Seymour said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was
opened.
Seymour could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "God,
I am
grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious,
obedient life
I
led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye
bread
and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me,
O
God,
but I just don't understand ... "
God sighed: "Let's be honest, Seymour -- for just two people
does it
really
pay to cook?"
By A.G
TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY
One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community.
If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would
leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice.
They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but
no one wanted to volunteer.
It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe to
represent them.
Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only
for one addition to the debate.
Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be
allowed to talk.
The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute
before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The
Jews can stay.'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said:
'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all
around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also
right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us
from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe,
amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all
their scholars had insisted was impossible!
'What happened?' they asked.
'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here.
I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this
whole city would be cleared of Jews.
I let him know that we were staying right here.'
'And then?' asked a woman.
'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out
mine.'
By Taz
www.jokes4us.com
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ROME TRIP
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned
the
trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want
to go
there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome.
So,
how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great
rate!" "TWA?"
exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes
are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where
are
you
staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are
small,
the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you
get
there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million
other people
trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy
trip
of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The
barber
asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful,"
explained the man,
"not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but
it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were
wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited
on me
hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a
$25
million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the
presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get
to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step
into
his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?
By S.C
www.jokes4us.com
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DECISIONS
The department head is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during
an
interview in his office he was asked, "Sir, What is the secret
of your
success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." He responded.
"And, sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
By S.C
THE MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would
be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same
tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the
captain's
parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the
magician
did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in
the
middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the
flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the
Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the
captain's
parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found
himself on a
piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot
was by
his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word.
This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said,
"Okay,
I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
By Steve C.
www.jokes4us.com
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SANTA IS A WOMAN
I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred
myth,
but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big,
organized,
warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to
find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on
the
shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in
the
bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims
that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way
to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow
and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with
all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest,
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to
pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite
guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
By S.C
www.jokes4us.com
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BLIND GOLFERS
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's
with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I
don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor
said, "Hey,
here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow,
aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for
a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special
prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can
do for
them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
By Bill K.
www.jokes4us.com
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CAPTAIN
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew
were in
danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became
frantic, the
captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red
shirt!" The first mate
quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on
and lead
the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties
occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The men sat
around on
deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to
the
captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before the
battle?"
The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not
show blood, and
thus you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The
next
morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending
boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as
ever,
bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle
was on, and the
captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this
time, more
casualties occurred. Later that day, however, the lookout screamed
that
there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on
their
way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader,
for his
usual command.
The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"
By S.C
www.jokes4us.com
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LITTLE GUY
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his
own
business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and
--WHACK!!--
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot
says, "That
was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "JEEZ," but he gets back up on the
stool and starts
drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks
him down
AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes
himself
off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. He
comes
in the door and without saying a word, he walks up behind the big
idiot and
--Bong!!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out
cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes
to, tell
him that was a crowbar from Sears."
By Long
GRATEFUL
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip
replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But... Thank God, I still
have my
Florida driver's license!
By S.C
THE TEST
These four guys were enrolled in an Organic Chemistry class at Duke
University. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs,
that
each had an "A" for the semester. These guys were so
confident that they
decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some
friends
the weekend before finals.
After all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't
make it
back to Duke until Monday morning. Since they were late for the
final,
they decided to make an excuse to the professor so they could take a
make-up
exam. Later on in the day, they found their professor and explained
that
they had gone to UVA for the weekend, but, unfortunately, they had a
flat
tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for
a
long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the
final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They
studied that
night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told
them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test
booklet, and
told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple
about
free radical formation. "Cool" they thought at the same
time, each one
in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each
finished the problem
and then turned the page.
On the second page was: (For 95 points): Which tire?
By Irene
www.jokes4us.com
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3 Little Pigs-Updated
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw
pig, the stick pig,
and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw
pig's
house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house
down." So he
did!
The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,
"Let me
in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"
The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and
said, "I'm
gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick
pig's
house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses
and we're
scared!"
So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said,
"I'm
gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig
were so
scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A
few
minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine
drove
up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These
huge
pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded
to
beat
the crap out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove
off.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick
pig, "Who
the heck were those guys?"
And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are our cousins, the Guinea
Pigs."
By TAZ
A MAN, A WIFE, A COP.
A Man, His Wife And The Cop A man seeing flashing
red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls
to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop,
a police officer approaches the car. The man says,
"What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75
miles
an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to
have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives
wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for
your
broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a
broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail
light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to
the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud,
can't you
just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks,
"Ma'am,
Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."
By Taz
www.jokes4us.com
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FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact,
that
only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he
desperately needed
to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of
course
the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed.
"I can't find it", he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should
go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at
the
diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to
the
teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the
school for a
while, to help him find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both
return and
sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you
find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply:
"Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"
By Bill K.
BABY SISTER
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to
town
shopping.
He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that
evening. "I didn't catch
a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish
away," his
mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait.
By Bill K.
ACCIDENT
A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd
gathered.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near
the
car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through!
Let me through! I am the son of the victim.
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
By B.K
A LAWYER ON A PLANE
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday
afternoon
flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed
engine
trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane
started to go
down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the
passengers that
they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The
doctor grabbed
one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,"
and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the
smartest people in
the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and
jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've
lived a long and
full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take
the last
parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said,
"Not to
worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my
back
pack
By Bill K.
NEW YORK LOAN
A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan
officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
such
a loan. So the man -- clearly an eccentric -- hands over the keys to
a
new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything
checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the
loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage
and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very
happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out
and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for
two weeks
for 15 bucks?"
www.jokes4us.com
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BABY CAMEL
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed
feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert
your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have
I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a
little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help
us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can
go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and
long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps
to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
By Bill K.
www.jokes4us.com
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"One Dark Halloween Night..."
Two men were walking home after a Halloween
party and decided to take a shortcut through the
cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-
tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with
a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after
catching his breath, "You scared us half to
death -- we thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They
misspelled my name!"
By S.C
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