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Classic Adult Jokes
A Touching Letter
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety
Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The
letter was sent to the principal's office after the
school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and
forward it to all those who could use a lift. It's a
heartwarming story

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old
and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the
Aged. All of my family has passed away.

It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me.
God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten
lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but
would never let me listen to it, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the night
stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful
and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck
you.
By Steve C

Palm Reader
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I
can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that you have no
girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
By Jokepost

The Shoe
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had
held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even
seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving
habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every
5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of
clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so
she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at
70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree.
His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free
but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put
this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck
driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her
story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him
out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if
he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."
By Steve C
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Mirror
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife
wanted to buy something. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek
to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man. The peddler showed
him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then
the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell
him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a
picture of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best
pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best
pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to
the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got
suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went
out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,

"so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"
By Steve C

Love Handles
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she
found a lantern washed up on the shore.
She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad
this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame,
because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.
And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and
do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.
I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.
Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my
love handles removed."
Poof!
And just like that......

her ears were gone.
By Steve

Mother's Day
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was
unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and
fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as
"Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day
gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
By Steve

Prisoner
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just
gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex
from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front
of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
By Steve

Sex
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,
"Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky
subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which
he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all
that into this one little square?"
By Steve

Little Guy
Once upon a time,  a guy was sitting at a bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and
buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that
would jump from the rich guy's pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar,
kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp.
I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy.
Then I wished  for a harem. You can see I got both."
The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
By Kick
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Great-Uncle George
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors
had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators
and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was
executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death
came as a great shock."
By NetDummy

The Big Surprise
Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship
was taking a turn towards getting serious.
Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him
to know that her chest was just like a baby's.
He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him.
He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.
She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well.
That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel.
The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie.
Her husband was in the bed waiting.
As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry honey" he said.
She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.
He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty.
I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 19 inches long!"
By scott21

Walter Smith
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a
little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning Walter!"
By Steve

The Bet
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other
100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.

The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming
for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
By Enkon
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EMPIRE STATE  BUILDING
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know,
last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building,
by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building
are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into
the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the
bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could
happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes
the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked
quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that
must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just
as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries
him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the
hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the
balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender
turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you
can be a real jerk."
By NetDummy

OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her
stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely insert a lubricated American football into her
vagina.

ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit
and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of
7ft  1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely
drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their
wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently
attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It
contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of
French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a
tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount
of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest
height(12ft  4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity,
with  42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American,
who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins
which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in.
The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
By Steve C
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THE REWARD
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
By Steve

Golfing Wife
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has
his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"
you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should
I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like
you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and
WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her
lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?"
asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your
husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,
and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and
swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
By Sopho

Two Deaf People
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you
don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
By Sopho
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Pulled Muscle
Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are
you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly
exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me." "I'm
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George. Richard
yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night."
By Steve

Engineer
One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said
"I can't let you in because your name is not on the list."
So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in.
Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that,
it was too hot and everything was inaccessible.
So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things.
One day God calls down and says to Satan,
"So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says:
"Well,  it's great, I've got an engineer down here and he has build air conditioning,
running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else, he's gonna build next.
Then God asks, "You've got an engineer down there?"
"That's a big mistake, send him up here right now!" and Satan replies,
"No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell." and God says,
"send him up or I'll sue!!" and Satan says smirking,

"Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer??"
-By Jessica and Caitlin

Walter Smith
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a
little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"
By Steve C

Check Me Out
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the
express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to
her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and
said, "Not bad."
By Steve C

Mr. Jones
An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and
trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast
room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met
him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and
asked how he was this day.

Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his
penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that
Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so
she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad
news and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast
again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and
tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure
enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although
somewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that the
day before he had told her his penis had died and
asked why it was hanging out of his pants.

Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing."
By Steve C

FISHERMAN
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep
water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The
man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you
a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the
feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it
was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe
you?"
By Steve C

KNIGHT
A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How
are we faring?" asked the king. "Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing
and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the
west." "What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh!"
said the knight, "Well, you do now."
By Steve C

PRICK
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was
pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he
found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found
himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom
to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face
creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch.
Now I know why they call you a prick!"
By Steve C

Funeral
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her
kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke,
and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.
"Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband
By Steve C

"Hundred Bucks".
Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job ?".
"Hundred Bucks".
"OK", he said and began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do you ?"
By Steve

"The Pearly Gates!"
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New
York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at
heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of
the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter.
"The Pearly Gates!"
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You Will Hate Fridays
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all
we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't
worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer
no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,  Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.
Do you do drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.
By Bandi On Yahoo board

Alien Sex
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars
after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to
swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only
a teeny, weeny member about
half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long
enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap
his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead,  his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive,
but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull,his member grows wider and wider
until  the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed
and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal
partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was
pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a
headache. All she kept doing the whole time
was slapping  my forehead and pulling my ears."
By Tom P
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Little Johnny
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it
has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after
the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
By Steve C
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IMPROVEMENT
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me
how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even
how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked
his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
By Steve

SAM and HARRY
Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry,
"Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?"

Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad
you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
By Steve

SMELL
A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."
By Steve

TWINKIE
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The
barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
By Steve

FOREPLAY
Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill
my paint!"
By Steve

CHIHUAHUA
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had
a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to
his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the
bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to
walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the
Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer
said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're
very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark
glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the
Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer
said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me
a fucking Chihuahua?"
By Steve

GINGER
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains
are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with
a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father
looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"dammit Ginger, get away from her before she
shits all over you!"
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
 

FROG WISHES
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her "if you release me from this trap,  I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said,
"That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful
woman in the world. The frog warned her, "you do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis,
that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I
will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband
the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than
you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what
is his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
By Tom P

CLIMAX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely
natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,
"it wakes me up!"
By Tom P

Making People Happy
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could
throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I
could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I
could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole
country happy."
By Taz
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
 

Attorney General Janet Reno
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having
one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky
that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to
put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean
I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass
at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest,
fart I can." And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so
to speak!
Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and
hurried home.
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when
Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew
that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts
all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and
forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."
By Taz

SIX WISHES
A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across
a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking
genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".
The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've
been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string
him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black man?"
By Steve

VASELINE
A market researcher called at a house and his knock
was answered by a young woman with three small
children running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no,  he mentioned that among their many products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if
she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it,
she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer
was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our product and they always say they use
it  for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but
I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've
been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use
it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
By Tom P

SANWA
Once there was a Texas business man. His boss was over in Japan at the moment
and because there  was a meeting he went over to Japan.
Once he got there his boss sent him a key for a motel room, and and girl to have sex with.
That night when they had sex, the girl kept saying,"Sanwa! Sanwa!"
The man thought she was saying,"Good! Good!"
The next day after the meeting,  the boss and his executive and the Texan had a game of golf.
After the executive made a hole in one the Texan was there screaming, "Sanwa Sanwa"
and the executive said,"What do you mean wrong hole?!"
By AZN1357

Four Star General
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for
him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the
army," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's
bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,
"OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
By Steve C

Bathroom Call
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes
into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the

screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something

comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!
By Bill K

BAG
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter,
I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a
million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's
only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The
boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a
mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over
her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an
original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a
ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the
hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get
me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she
gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he
hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the
bag."
By Taz
Blow Job
A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and
when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to
her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..."

"No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up."

"I've already said NO, and NO."

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love... don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or
that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake
to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
By Steve C

LION CLUB on sex
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the
second time he fell off."
By Steve
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
 

BRIDE
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach
me how to make a great lasagna."
By Steve C

LAST WISH
There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the
beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a
president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).

"Nikita Kruschev? But he's been dead for a long time."

"I don't care, I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did
not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and
offers the left one to the man. He holds it and caresses it, very moved. He
said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!"

He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole
situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?"

"Yes! Is he here too?"

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing
again and again.

The nurse liked all that very very much, and was starting to get wet, so she
asked the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"
By Steve C

Restricted fishing area
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at
the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided
to take a nap.
The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out.
Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle,
anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good
morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."
THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
By Tom P

NASTY GRANDPA
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your
ass?"
The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your
ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man
enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the
house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied,
"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
 

Two midgets
Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get
an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next
room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the
morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first
whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."
The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"
By Tom P

Bells
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model
danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his
privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model
danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She
proceeded
down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to
the
ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the
other bells went off
By Bill K

Confession
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,
        so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the
    old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
    for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your
    chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new
    priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try
    saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I
    understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest practices, saying these phrases.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a
little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No
shit?!? What happened next?'"
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
 

BREAKING OFF
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their
engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"...Sue me for child support."
By Steve

THE FIREMAN
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little
boy playing on the sidewalk.
He had small ladders hung on the side of his
little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a
fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog
could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the
little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he
noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie
that
rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
 
Grilling
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when
Ted looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting
really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the
barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider
than the barbecue!!!" The wife chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him
off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
By Ernie M

MONTEREY BAY
When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day
after he'd lost his wife in a scuba diving incident in Monterey Bay,
he was greeted by two grim-faced police officers.
"We're sorry to call on you at this late hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well.... tell me!" he demanded.

One of the officers said: "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the police officer says: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir,
but we found your wife's body this morning in Monterey Bay."

"OH MY GOD!" said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion.
Then, remembering what the officer had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well...." said the officer, "When we pulled her up,
she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. So, what's the great news?"

The officer smiled, licking his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
By Enkon
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
 

UNCLE FRANK
Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car
just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did
what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming,
then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's
all dead."
"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot
that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom
of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"
By Irene

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
A husband and wife are in bed watching  "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband asks for sex.

The wife says, "No." >
Her husband asks,
"Is that your final answer?" >
She responds, "Yes."

He says,

"Then, I'd like to call a friend."
By Harry B

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a
marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and
listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once
a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want
me to bring her back tomorrow?"
By Tom P

Pumpkin
A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is
feeling very horny.
As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander,
He says to himself, "Ya know,a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there's no one around for miles."
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy
looking pumpkin,
cuts the appropriate size hole in it,and begins to do the pumpkin.
Very shortly he is really into it,and he doesn't notice a patrol
car pull up.
The cop walks over and says,"Excuse me sir,but do you realize that
you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The guy looks at the pumpkin in complete horror, thinks fast and
says, "
A pumpkin? Oh My God,is it midnight already?"
By Tom P

Picture
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking
him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know
that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top
part.

Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her
the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she
won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you
for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long!"
By Steve C
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
  

The monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows
it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies
the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and
ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything
in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures
everything first.
By Bill K

CONFESSION
A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I
have sinned with a young woman."

The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"

"No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies.

"Was it Rita Sanchez?"

"No, father, I can't tell you."

"Linda Torelli?"

"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any
names."

With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him
penance.

On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who
asks him what happened.

The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and
three new leads"
By Bill K
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>

FLASHER
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your
ticket, not your stub."
By Sopho
LOTTO
A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into
the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter....just get the hell
out!
By Taz

BIKER CLUB
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
Fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."
By Steve

Hillary
Hilary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for senator of
New York and this has happened to her.
She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately
starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on
right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!!
I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is
all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely
audible
whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
By Sopho
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"Hair Growth"
A gay guy walks into a barber shop.

He says to the barber. "Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?"

The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real
thick..."

That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner
climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on
his chest..he says, "What the hell is this?"

The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on
my chest hair would grow..."

His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case
you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass."
By Bill K

PICCOLO PICCOLO
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old
friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How
have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International
Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, and
he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the
tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn
piccolo."

"We play for the queen of France, and she loves the music. She says 'Fill the
instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the
trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo."

"Then we play for the czar of Russia, and he hates the music. He says 'Shove the
instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't
fit. AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"
By Steve C

MOVIE THEATER
At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
By Steve

Going to Heaven
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and
is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she
strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood
curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone
getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their
halo."

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even
more terrible than the one before.

"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone
getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their
wings."

The lady starts to back away.

"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.

"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and
sodomized!"

"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
By Irene

WEEEEE BIT
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With
that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent,
but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters
that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to
the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the
first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly
notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man
went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how
things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell,
cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be
better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's
perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right
away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified:
the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could
hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
By Steve

DEATHBED
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was
maintaining a
vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran
down his face. His
praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and
her pale lips began to move
slightly.
My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he
said. "Rest.
Shhh.Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said
in her tired voice. " I
have something I must confess to you." "There's
nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go
to sleep ." "No, no. I
must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother,
your best friend and your
father."
"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
By Tom P

MONICA ON CNN
The first wonderful quote of the century, and one that may well prove
extremely hard to top...

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous
Jenny Craig weight-loss): "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that
are bad for me..."


Now I ask you, are these words to live by, or what....
By Bill

THREE YOUNG MOTHERS
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers
and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he told them.

To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even
named your daughter Candy."

The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the
hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
By Bill

BAD POEM
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning,
"Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every
day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my
wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to
make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this
little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue,
I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so
dang sentimental an' shit...."

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try,
so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes,
broken nose, fat lip, the works.

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and
tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told
him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I
could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"
By Taz

MIDNIGHT
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times.
He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed,
to escape possible conflict.

Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all.

Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When he asked her why, she said
"Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
From Yahoo Board

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IRS GUY
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see that you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
By Steve C

BRIDGE ANYONE
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why
she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes sir, they paid good wages,
but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.
They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there.

As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say "Lay down and let's
see what you've got."
Another man said "I've got strength but no length."
Another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick." I pretty
near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, "You jumped me
twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about her protecting her honor, and two other ladies said,
Now it' s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with
mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die
if I didn't hear someone say, "Well I guess we'll go home now, that was
the last rubber."
By Maria M

JEWISH GRANDMA
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to
send grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser
there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."
Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the
cabin boy and he said,
"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her
room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said, "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she
replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. First U Could Knock!"
By Maria M
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SISTERS
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven
trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, sister
Karen, "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and shyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the
tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass
through the gate." St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister
Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun is a little reluctant to reply but she says, "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the
gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is
pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the
line, St. Peter says, "Sister, sister what seems to be the rush?" The nun
replies, "if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before
sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
By Steve C

MAN AND HIS BEER
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half and then poured the
rest on his hand.

A few minutes later, the man ordered another beer and the bartender became
suspicious. Again, he drank half and then poured the rest on his hand.

A short while later, the man ordered yet another beer. The bartender finally
asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck are you doing?"

The irritated guy replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have
a drink?
By Steve

LOVE DRESS
A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing
naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
replied.

"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

"LOVE DRESS! You're naked," said the mother-in-law.

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he
makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "He will be home any minute now,
so perhaps you could stop by a little later?"

Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way
home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.

She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door
for her husband to come home.

Finally, his pickup truck drove up the driveway.

Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his naked wife.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she said, excitedly.

"Needs ironing." he replied.
By Lorie

RODMAN AND GENIE
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up... suddenly a
female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, I
may grant you one wish," says the genie with a smile.

"Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am...I don't need no woman to give
me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it
all... he says "OK, OK... I wanna wake up with three
women in my bed in the morning. So just do it!" (giving the genie an
evil glare) "Now leave me alone!" he screams.

So the very annoyed genie says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the
bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and
Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and
he has no health insurance.
By Bill K
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MOVIE THEATER
At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
By Steve

DEATHBED
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was
maintaining a
vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran
down his face. His
praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and
her pale lips began to move
slightly.
My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he
said. "Rest.
Shhh. Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said
in her tired voice. " I
have something I must confess to you." "There's
nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go
to sleep ." "No, no. I
must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother,
your best friend and your
father."
"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
By Tom P

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