Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 16th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things. Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts.
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead while I give these two a lift!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will become a pizza history.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
Because he ate his food before it was cool.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I love Pandas, they're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm White, Black, and Asian....."